Fake Valentine's Rrrave.

It's 7am.
Underground Basement.
Multi-coloured fluorescent lights.
The bass is pumping.
Rack-pack on the decks.

Where am I?
Where were you?

Rewind 10 hours:

Saturday 21st of February. Nine PM.
The doors of the Basement open for business.
It's Fake Valentine's Day, hosted by Come As Soon As You Hear.
Stickers are everywhere. Everywhere.
First band Their First Fiasco are up. It's already jammers to the max.

In the corner above some inexplicable yellow, red, blue and green dots, there's an art instillation. "Shoulda put a ring on it" by Karl Watson. Oh, Beyonce, how we love you. Dotted around the venue, in nooks and crannies and on ceilings, little motivational phrases and sayings about love are hidden. Every here and there love poems adorn the wall.

Go through a tunnel. There's a coffee table full of free rub on tattoos. There's a film room showing Fake Lonely Hearts dating videos. There's the truly adorable "Tunnel of Lust". "Hold hands, Walk in, Lie down & enjoy the view" the instructions read. On the ceiling, the stars of the night sky are projected. It's special.

But wait there's more. In the back room there's a message board. Everyone is given a numbered sticker when they arrive and people are writing messages to each other. In the final corner some people are making hand made (Fake) Valentine's Cards. All is full of love.

Back in the main room, the second band are taking the stage. Over two hundred people have arrived. At half eleven a rousing version of Blind Date takes place, hosted by Rosh. The winning couple are forced to spend twenty minutes alone in the Tunnel of Lust. Ten years from now they'll be married and commuting from Maynooth.
The final band play. It's Kellie Marie and the Rest. They wear neon wigs, sunglasses and PVC pants. The crowd are at their mercy.

Many people are in costume. There's Doctor Love, there's the Queen of Hearts, there's Marilyn, there's a Virgin. There's lots, and lots, and lots of catface face paint. The bands finish, the DJs start. Killian's first, then the Rack Pack spin 'til about 8am. Carla and Zara masterfully weave the party tunage.

Things happen. People kiss, hold hands, kiss other people. French kiss. A Doctor Not Love appears. The UCD Badminton Club arrive. Jodie comes (hurray!). A contingent from DYT spread the love. Someone puts Never Ending Story on in the film room and Sarah Bradley covers sleepers in blankets, lest they catch cold.

We wake up, hours later. If it weren't for the smudgy dregs of cat whiskers on my face I would think it was all a dream.

It was too good to not be.

Facepainting

me: let's talk dirty to each other

Zarla: OMG for fucks sake LOL LMFAO

me: I'm taking off your breasts

Zarla: em...I'm slowly unzipping ur penis

me: And revealing your soft tissuey muscles

Zarla: and letting the nerve tissue spill out

me: your delicious blood is a natural lubricant

and I'm wet all over
with blood
(yours)

Zarla: I put on beautiful face paint.

me: I'm wiping off your face paint

Zarla: JACK

me: with acid

Zarla: OH JACK
ACID
MMMM

me: your skeletal face bones
are revealed
you look pale and beautiful
like an angel
of death
I like your cheek
bone
I lick it
And nibble at the fleshy remainder hanging on to it

Zarla: oh lord

me: My penis enters you
r eye socket
Your brain squelches as my throbbing head hits off it
The noise would make me more erect
if that were possible

But instead,
I come.
I come as soon as I hear it.

Wordle

Come as soon as you hear!

Eggs

Eggs for breakfast yum yum yum.

My top 5 bestworst films.

[Five:] Disaster Movie

My tongue remembers the taste of vomit. My stomach turns. I'm remembering the part of my life I wasted watching Disaster Movie. It is, essentially, about 5 or 6 really awful fight signs tacked together by really random pop culture references. Plot? What plot? Also, don't let the name Disaster Movie fool you, Juno, Night at the Museum, Enchanted are some of the more prevalent 'spoofs'. Disaster Movies be they not.

The one fascinating element of the movie is how they've managed to take genuinely funny jokes from other media and strip them of all humour. Remember the cow in Earthworm Jim? That gag happens about 4 or 5 times. Remember Sarah Silverman's "Fucking Matt Damon"? That was funny right? Not in Disaster Movie.

I feel I've been way to rational about this film so far. It's shit. It's shockingly shit. Puzzlingly shit, you question how so many people allowed this film to be made. You question humanity.

Saving Grace: Matt Lanter is awfully easy on the eyes.


[Four:] Deathproof

This film is absolutely fine for about half an hour. Actually, for half an hour it's actually pretty awesome. And then... Argh.
Okay, so we're introduced to three - four girls in the beginning. A slutty latina, a sarcastic, bitchy black DJ, and a naive little white girl. There's some sort of bet about a lap dance involved in their night out, it's not important.
Anway, they end up at a bar where Stuntman Mike is eating Nachos. He has a car with a skull on it. This is scary. Slutty girl gives him a lapdance.
And then! He crashes into them in his car on purpose. His car is deathproof, so he is fine, the girls all die. Cool, end of movie.

Oh no. Three MORE girls are introduced, one of whom is Rosario Dawson attempting to kill her career, apparantly and Zoe. ZOE! If there is one factor on which you could blame all the problems with this film on it's the character of Zoe. I hate Zoe, passionatly, and I've never met her. But if I did...

It's just so confusing. Spend a good hour introducing three stereotypical horror flick characters, kill them and replace them with three more, less interesting girls. Whut?
Saving grace: Awesome tunage. Chick Habit by April March. Tuuuune.


[Three:] Cabin Fever
My hatred for Cabin Fever is masked only by my hatred for the director. Eli Roth can and should go fuck himself. On DVD, Cabin Fever is just disgustingly gorey and unremarkably shit. But then I checked out the extras and got to hear Roth smugly gushing about his shitty little film. If Cabin Fever had an anus, he'd have fucked it. He'd have fucked it to death.

He's like a giant retard who's been given access to the funds and means to make movies. Urgh. I'm losing coherance because I'm so full of rage. This guy says it better. Click.


[Two:] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
They raped him.

[One:] Jack Black is movie poison
STOP CASTING HIM, NOW.

A tinge of ginge.