My top 5 bestworst films.

[Five:] Disaster Movie

My tongue remembers the taste of vomit. My stomach turns. I'm remembering the part of my life I wasted watching Disaster Movie. It is, essentially, about 5 or 6 really awful fight signs tacked together by really random pop culture references. Plot? What plot? Also, don't let the name Disaster Movie fool you, Juno, Night at the Museum, Enchanted are some of the more prevalent 'spoofs'. Disaster Movies be they not.

The one fascinating element of the movie is how they've managed to take genuinely funny jokes from other media and strip them of all humour. Remember the cow in Earthworm Jim? That gag happens about 4 or 5 times. Remember Sarah Silverman's "Fucking Matt Damon"? That was funny right? Not in Disaster Movie.

I feel I've been way to rational about this film so far. It's shit. It's shockingly shit. Puzzlingly shit, you question how so many people allowed this film to be made. You question humanity.

Saving Grace: Matt Lanter is awfully easy on the eyes.


[Four:] Deathproof

This film is absolutely fine for about half an hour. Actually, for half an hour it's actually pretty awesome. And then... Argh.
Okay, so we're introduced to three - four girls in the beginning. A slutty latina, a sarcastic, bitchy black DJ, and a naive little white girl. There's some sort of bet about a lap dance involved in their night out, it's not important.
Anway, they end up at a bar where Stuntman Mike is eating Nachos. He has a car with a skull on it. This is scary. Slutty girl gives him a lapdance.
And then! He crashes into them in his car on purpose. His car is deathproof, so he is fine, the girls all die. Cool, end of movie.

Oh no. Three MORE girls are introduced, one of whom is Rosario Dawson attempting to kill her career, apparantly and Zoe. ZOE! If there is one factor on which you could blame all the problems with this film on it's the character of Zoe. I hate Zoe, passionatly, and I've never met her. But if I did...

It's just so confusing. Spend a good hour introducing three stereotypical horror flick characters, kill them and replace them with three more, less interesting girls. Whut?
Saving grace: Awesome tunage. Chick Habit by April March. Tuuuune.


[Three:] Cabin Fever
My hatred for Cabin Fever is masked only by my hatred for the director. Eli Roth can and should go fuck himself. On DVD, Cabin Fever is just disgustingly gorey and unremarkably shit. But then I checked out the extras and got to hear Roth smugly gushing about his shitty little film. If Cabin Fever had an anus, he'd have fucked it. He'd have fucked it to death.

He's like a giant retard who's been given access to the funds and means to make movies. Urgh. I'm losing coherance because I'm so full of rage. This guy says it better. Click.


[Two:] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
They raped him.

[One:] Jack Black is movie poison
STOP CASTING HIM, NOW.