Come as soon as you hear!

Give Her Up To The Gods

2011-06-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

For this year's Solstice Closing Party in Cork, Come As Soon As You Hear have teamed up with the festival organisers to present Human Sacrifice, an evening of DJs, dancing and virgin bloodshed at Murphy's Midsummer Nights at The Spiegeltent from 10pm this Sunday, June 19th. You're cordially invited to come play your part in the ceremony that will see a pretty young virgin pay the ultimate price as part of a gesture of gratitude to The Gods for a bountiful harvest. Tickets are €10 and available here.

And The Winner Is...

2011-06-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

Crushing the competition in the loveliest of ways, the worthy winner of Miss Come As Soon As You Hear 2011 was Lola White.

Solstice

2011-06-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

Come As Soon As You Hear are very excited to announce our involvement in Solstice, a brand new initiative being run as part of the Cork Midsummer Festival this month.

The mini festival, organised by four young arts enthusiasts, will run from the 16th to the 19th of June and will showcase work by over 150 emerging artists in the fiels of music, dance, theatre and visual art descend. Transforming the Old FAS Building in the heart of Cork city into a pop-up venue, Solstice will include over 30 performances and will run from 10am to 10pm each day.

We will be debuting a new show, Spurt, devised by Karl Watson and Dan Colley, as well as helping to liven up the festival's top secret closing party with something we've been working on for a few weeks. Check out the full programme here.

Solstice is an exciting new venture and, if you fancy doing your bit to help with proceedings, you can donate to their current Fund It campaign here.

Solstice from Solstice on Vimeo.

I Personally Believe

2011-06-03T06:09:00.000-07:00

She was lovely and fair as the rose of the summer,

Yet 'twas not her beauty alone that drew me near.
Oh no, 'twas the truth in her eyes ever dawning
That made me love Mary, Miss Come As Soon As You Hear.

We're throwing our last Come As Soon As You Hear party for the foreseeable future but, before we dismantle the clotheslines, we'd like to pass on our crown and sceptre to a beautiful torchbearer. You.

Miss Come As Soon As You Hear 2011 will see Lovely Girls and Lovelorn Boys compete over four rounds, compered by Mr Conor Behan:

Draw With Con(or)
Bin Bag Modelling
Special Talent
Paparazzi Hula Hoop Finale

Following the coronation, we'll keep the glamour coming with music and mayhem. Pop your details in here for cheaplist.

If you're interested in taking part, e-mail comeassoonasyouhear@gmail.com with your name and a description of your special talent.

Quite.

2011-05-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

Greetings citizens of Ireland,

It's me, Queen Elizabeth. As you may have heard, I will soon be gracing you with my presence. First stop on my itinerary is an appearance at the Twisted Pepper on Saturday, 14th of May, and your presence is requested.

I will be laying down some badass beats on the decks, along with Duke Michael Hennessy of Tiddleshire and some lesser nobles from Come As Soon As You Hear. Also scheduled are:

Pin The Tail On The Middleton
Free Knightings
Gurning Contest (curated by Grace van Cutsem)
Arm-Wrestle The Queen And Win A Beer
& A Royal Wedding To Remember

Dress code: Crowns, gowns and sceptres. Free in before midnight if you put your name on this here guestlist: http://bit.ly/curtsey

BANG SHOOT BLAST

2011-05-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

You meet someone, you fall in love and then suddenly it all ends in a horrible explosion. You vow never to love again. But, inevitably, you do. Love is a cycle.

With music, video, wine and cake, the audience actively participate in six young characters’ relationship experiences. It doesn’t work out in real life like it does in the movies.

Come As Soon As You Hear bring you a play for anyone who is in love, or has been, or will be one day. For boys and girls who love
boys and girls.

“Watson’s chipper tone and loose form carries an easy charm that’s hard not to warm to.” - Irish Theatre Magazine.

Tickets & Maps & things like that: www.gaytheatre.ie

Say Hello To Mr Pointy

2011-03-20T13:44:00.001-07:00

Bad news, y'all.

A gaping Hellmouth has opened under Abbey Street and, rumour has it, foul and fearsome creatures of the night are set to descend on Twisted Pepper on Saturday, March 26th from 11pm.

Come As Soon As You Hear invites you to wreak bloody havoc as we pay tribute to the residents of Sunnydale, dead and undead.

Rocking the foundations of The Bronze will be CASAYH DJs, Andy 'The Master' Bannister and a couple more TBC.

We encourage you to embrace the pseudo-gothic fashion sensibilities of Sunnydale High's Class of '99. Stakes: optional.

Fill your details in here to get free in before midnight/€5 after.

Poster by Jacqui Ferns.

Whose Side Are You On, Anyway?

2011-01-26T18:33:00.000-08:00

This Saturday 29th of January at The Twisted Pepper on Abbey Street, CASAYH presents a tribute to trashy, troubled Hollywood youth and washed-up Disney Stars.

Featuring:
Salvia bongs
Head-shaving
Poking of vehicles with umbrellas
Painkiller popping
Weighing scales
Chihuahua kidnappings
DUIs
Rehabilitation centre
And hopefully lots of sideboob

DJ Sets by Alexander Murphy, Meadhbh McGrath, Kevin Aiken and CASAYH DJs. Click 'attend' here to get on the cheaplist (free before midnight, €5 after). If you're bringing mates, post their names here.

Come As Soon As You Hear

Sally Fletcher: No Relation

2011-01-26T18:29:00.000-08:00

Someone has been brutally murdered at The Bernard Shaw but fret not. Jess Fletch is on the case. She'll be dusting off pint glasses and frisking potential culprits this Thursday, 27th of January, from 8pm.

Niall Morahan (Electric Relaxation) and CASAYH DJs will be serving up a murderous mix on the decks, there'll be a screening of Jessica's last Irish adventure, Murder She Wrote: The Celtic Riddle, games of 'Guess Who?' and hopefully not much more bloodshed.

Free admission. Come As Soon As You Hear.

10 x 10 Drinks Specials
All the following drinks for €10, 7 days a week

2 Vodka 1 Red Bull
2 x Cuba Libre (Havana Rum + Coke)
2 x Cocktails
3 x Corona / Sol
3 x Peroni
3 x Cusquena
3 x K'berg Pear 33cl
3 x Sambucca
3 x Jaegermeister
3 x Tequila

A Call To Arms

2011-01-05T08:45:00.000-08:00

We're coming up to the first birthday of our parties at Twisted Pepper and we're planning a hoedown throwdown and a half to mark the occasion.

This time, we want you to help decide the theme of the night - the more ludicrous, the better. Just post your suggestion on Facebook event here and the person with the most popular idea gets to make the calls on how we party down.

Oh, and everyone make sure to veto Joey's Olsens As Soon As You Hear idea.

As The Scenery Grows, I See In Different Lights

2010-12-06T15:28:00.000-08:00

The dratted snow is finally beginning to melt and, soon, we'll finally be able to leave our homes without recreating the opening scenes of Bambi. To celebrate, we're throwing a heated hootenanny down at The Bernard Thaw.

For your entertainment, we've got a live set by genre-melding songsmith Market Force.

On decks, we've got Mr Alan Taylor cooking up a feast of aural delicacies before he hotfoots it back to London.

CASAYH's Joey and Eimear will be pushing buttons on the mixer and hoping for the best and there'll also be a screening of the Tarantino/Rodriguez Grindhouse double feature, Planet Terror & Death Proof.

Plus, mince pies and a rake of heaters to warm your cockles.

ALSO on Thursday, Le Cool Dublin in association with A Visual Feast present The Bernard Shaw 4th Annual Xmas Exhibition. Full details here.

Give It A Slash, Jack

2010-10-21T03:23:00.000-07:00

Come As Soon As You Hear have teamed up with the Forward/Slash boys for a night of mayhem at The Bernard Shaw, this Thursday the 21st as part of the Beatyard Weekender.

From 8 o' clock, we'll have a selection of New Volta Film Club shorts, curated by Bob Gallagher, as well as CASAYH's interactive performance, which features flower crafts, fortune-telling and Facebook photography.

DJs Frankie Grimes, James McLoughlin, Haido, Eimear Fitzmaurice and kDamo will be soundtracking the evening with all manner of blissed-out beats.

Hip-hopper Bob Glynn will be playing some tunes, the enigmatic Lobster Boy will be putting his claws to use by whipping up some visual delights and, to top it all off, we'll be marking International Day of the Nacho.

Bernard Shaw drinks promos? Check. Free admission? Czech. Go getcha some.

If you can't make it along to this, fret not. There's plenty more fun to be had over the weekend. A full listing of what's happening for The Beatyard Weekender can be seen here.

We're all hoping to make it down to the all-new Toejam Mini Mall, a compact edition of their renowned Carboot Sale, to see if I can gleam some bargains.

I'll Have Her Home By Twelve...

2010-08-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

Slutbear cordially invites you, the Class of 2010, to the night of your lives.

We're talking ugly dresses, dodgy suits, embarrassing decorations, spiked punch, photobooth, minging corsages and the filthiest pop and disco beats you'll find this side of your limo.

This Saturday, 28th August the Mezz will play host to the Come As Soon As You Hear Prom with some tunes from quarterback extraordinaire, KILLIAN COYLE, the ever-so-dapper SUPERSUPERDISCO escorts and the oh-so-foxy, homecoming queen Ms SARAH BYRNE (WAR).

There will be slow dances. There will be a homecoming queen and king. There will be filthy dancing. And you better be dressed to disgrace yourself.

From 11pm. Free before 12am/€5 after if you pop your details in here: http://short.ie/prom

2010-08-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

If you've gotten this password from Babes Behan, you have two choices:

Join The Fun or End The Fun

See you at Electric Picnic

Goodness Gracious

2010-08-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

A night of Comedy and Music, under cover of a big MARQUEE, and with it's own in-house(in-square) bar.
We'll be doing our original brand of Promenade Theatre/ Comedy Improvisation/ Pervasive Game/ Treasure Hunt that you've seen us do at Body & Soul, Astral Plains and soon, Electric Picnic.

Get your palm read by Madame Maureen.

Join the Anti-Party Party with Fergus McRiona, Junior T.D.

Make 'Flower Crafts' with Lucy Lovestone

Get your 'Facebook Profile Photo' shot with Babes Behan

Friday 20th August, 9pm

Tickets: €10 (€7 student/unwaged)

For more information see:

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=126558307388642&ref=ts

or
http://www.templebar.ie/EventDetail.aspx?eventid=146

It's Not That Common, It Doesn't Happen To Every Guy, And It Is A Big Deal

2010-08-12T03:08:00.001-07:00

Come As Soon As You Hear are rolling back into the Bernard Shaw, sides splitting and tears rolling down our eyes. Do join us for our comedic line-up this Thursday at 8pm.

Inside, we have Shinoxcy, an all-new, all-female, all-lycra sketch comedy troupe consisting of Roxanna NicLiam, Sinead Lynch and Lucy Montague-Moffatt. They have been making each other laugh since they met at the tender age of three, so most of their sketches ar...e based on true stories.

In the beer garden, we have Valerie Ní Loinsigh, a musical, charismatic ginge with an obscure view on life and her mother. Has compared herself to 'a morbeg on acid, but without the political agenda and subliminal messages.' If you ever wanted to see what could have been had 'Annie' and the 'girl from the exorcist' been spliced together genetically, this is your chance.

Music will be provided by Anatomy's resident vamp Ev Ní Cionnaith, who will be rustling up a generous platter of indie, dub and electro for your aural delight.

Kicks off at 8pm. Thursday the 12th @ The Bernard Shaw. Completely free of charge. Pow pow.

En Plein Air

2010-08-08T13:44:00.000-07:00

Live shows from Hugh Cooney, Enda Mac Nally and Come As Soon As You Hear, followed by DJ sets from C.A.S.A.Y.H DJ’s, SUPA FAST, Enda Mac Nally and maybe even a few tunes from South African techno/house legend Dwayne Housen.

Check out more details on:
Temple Bar Cultural Trust

Doctor, Doctor, I'm All In A Twist...

2010-07-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

Visit http://short.ie/accident and pop in your details to get free entry to Accident As Soon As You Emergency. Your life depends on it.

Accident As Soon As You Emergency - Saturday 31st @ Twisted Pepper by thebubbleboy

Please Refrain From Peeing In The Paddling Pool

2010-07-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

Ya hear me? Point your pistol elsewhere.

Splash As Soon As You Hear kicks off at 8pm tonight in The Bernard Shaw and we intend to get you wet.

Kicking things off will be the waterfight to end all waterfights, so bring along your sturdiest super-soaker (we'll have some limited ammunition for those that come unarmed).

Then, we have live performances by WAR's resident studmuffin David Middle Names O' Carroll and, quantum leaping from 1957 just to be with us, Rick O' Shea & The Stray Bullets.

We'll also have DJ sets from CASAYH's Karl & Liana.

Best thing of all? It's 100% free.

Not If You Were The Last Dandy On Earth...

2010-06-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

Come As Soon As You Hear's shindig at Twisted Pepper this Saturday the 19th from 11 is set to be the party to end all parties. Literally...

Here at CASAYH's secret underground headquarters, we received a pretty disturbing email from an anonymous “N”. He/she writes:

“Come Soon ye sinners, the end is near
Our warning call you all must Hear
By way of storm or gaping chasm
Our Earth’s fine crust shall wretch and spasm

She’ll suddenly refuse to tilt
Until a virgin’s blood is spilled
Tainted blood she won’t allow
Have mercy on our souls. Miaow”

Can you hear that? The vuvuzelas of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as they speedily approach? That's right. Our days are numbered. Unless we find a virgin to sacrifice, Saturday will be our last. So, let's make it count.

How will you meet your grizzly fate? Porcupine to the heart? Ingrown Olsen Twin? Cruciatus Curse? Show us how by dressing accordingly. We want to know how it happens.

☠ Cataclysmic choons from PONY KIDS and CASAYH DJs ☠ Gallons of blood ☠ Decimating drinks promotions ☠ Dance, dance, dancing to death ☠ Virgin sacrifice and/or The End of The World™ ☠

Get in for the cheaper price of €5 by shlapping your details on here: http://short.ie/apocalypse

Come As Soon As You Hear.

En Garde

2010-05-11T05:02:00.001-07:00

Somewhere,
In a mezzanine above Twisted Pepper...

Trouble was a brewing. Captain Trouble, that is, brewing her Come As Soon As You Beer, under the watchful eye of The Alchemist, Shadowcat, and Concussion. Their dastardly plan to turn the whole city of Dublin into aloof, cynical hipsters by way of poisonous elixir was well under way.

Meanwhile,
in a secret lair under Clarendon St...

Helpful Girl, with the aid of her trusty binoculars, had those wretched villains well within her sights. She, alongside Basilisk, Lockjaw and Frostbite (known as The Hyper Friends) would thwart their evil plans once and for all. Now that you have Heard, Come join them in their quest to save our city!

Your mission:

Come to The Basement @ Clarendon House at 8:30pm and bring your own beer to counteract the poison. Here you will be given your Superhero name, and kitted out in appropriate garb, if you have not already done so. Then we will ambush The Twisted Pepper at 11pm sharp, and engage in a battle to end all battles.

When you hear the klaxon, that's your chance to grab the nearest sticker labelled "POW", "ZWANG", "KNARG" "ETC", and whack it on your enemies. So villains, heed our call! You can Run As Soon As You Hear but you can't Hide As Soon As You Hear. All my single superheroes, put your hands up, and Kick Some Ass As Soon As You Hear.

Bat time: 11pm, Saturday 15th of May
Bat channel: The Mezz at Twisted Pepper
Bat price: A fiver if you put your name on this here bat-cheaplist - http://short.ie/kick

Strike The Pose

2010-04-07T17:50:00.000-07:00

Vogue As Soon As You Hear. 17th of April. Twisted Pepper. 11pm - late. Cheaplist: here.

Well, Holy God

2010-03-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
The Virgin Mary and you.

Oh come all ye faithless and prepare to be converted. After her recent sell-out show at Knock, The Blessed Virgin is making a one night only apparition at the Bernard Shaw on Holy Fool's Thursday, the 1st of April, and it promises to be divine.

Featuring....

Tunes from both testaments and virtuous visuals from Collidoscope (http://soundcloud.com/collidoscope/tracks)
Euchristic electropop from Come As Soon As You Hear's Joey Kavanagh & Eimear Fitzmaurice
Decades of The Rosary
Baptisms
Condom Communion
Religious treats
And, of course, an appearance by The Madonna herself

This Facebook invite has ended. Go now in peace, to love and serve The Lord.

Deeper Underground

2010-03-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

The Basement is an underground performance and rehearsal space that has been our base of operations for the past year or so and the organisers of a series of 'Scriptscribe' workshops felt it was about time we included it in our plays.

Six writers have drawn inspiration from The Basement and come up with an original 20 minute script. Some of these will eventually be performed in The Basement but, for now, we're hoping you'll come along and check out the scripts-in-progress.

This evening and tomorrow evening there will be rehearsed readings of the 20 min scripts in The Basement (Clarendon House, Clarendon Street, Dublin 2).

Come. Listen. Discuss. Wine. Whine.

[Tueday 23d @ 8pm]
Readings of work by:
John Singleton
Tim Smyth
Meadhbh Haiceid

[Wednesday 24th @8pm]
Readings of work by:
Jennifer Carroll
Louise Melinn
Joey Kavanagh

Entry: €3 (suggested)

Dramaturgy by Dan Colley and Bryan Moriarty. Facilitated by Róisín Mcgann.

Future's Made of Virtual Insanity

2010-03-18T07:28:00.000-07:00

We're swapping clothes again, but this time we're stripping off on chatroulette.com.

Instruction manual for 'Chat As Soon As You Roulette':

1. Come.
2. Do a sexy dance for the benefit of those watching you on their computer screens.
3. When the klaxon sounds, 'next' your clothes by swapping 'em with someone nearby.
4. Repeat steps 2 - 3 until you...
5. Come.
6. Exeunt.

Dress code: Clothes you might never see again.

Choons: Of the bangin' variety. Served up by electro fiend Shane Kelly and pop purveyor Conor Behan (AKA Platinum Jones).

€5 before 12 if you fill your details into this here cheaplist - http://short.ie/chat

Bright Like Neon Love

2010-02-17T18:09:00.000-08:00

On 20th of February 2010, Skins As Soon As You Hear rocked The Twisted Pepper. Hard. Details as to what exactly went down are sketchy. This much we know:

DJs Peter Fingleton (of C.U.N.T. notoriety) and Frankie Grimes provided a lethal cocktail of tunes.

Everything was ultraviolet. Or maybe that was 'ultra-violent'? No, we think it's the first one.

There are fuzzy reports of a klaxon blaring, provoking strangers to scrawl on each other with UV markers and affix stickers to each other.

Guests signed this guestlist http://short.ie/skins to get in for a discounted price of €5.

Do you know what happened? If so, please let us know at comeassoonasyouhear@gmail.com. We'd appreciate any information you can provide.

Find out more here.

Cilla, We Cill-ute You.

2010-02-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

image courtesy of zombio.com

Few people realise the true impact of Cilla Black's wisdom on popular culture, but if we take a look at these excerpts from her agony aunt column (courtesy of Cosmo) from the late 90's, we can see just how influential she was.

Imogen:

I mean, I meant well, and it's all for the best really. And she did say some mean things (mumble mumble).

Cilla: Mmm, what did you just say? And in response to the rest; of course you did, and of course it is. But just to clarify, what did she say?

Miley: Well, I've kind of got my sights set on this guy. But he's all into abstinence, which really isn't my thing.

Cilla: Tell him you're ready to wait.

Beyonce: I like it, but what should I do with it?

Cilla: Put a ring on it.

Lady G: I want his love and I want his revenge. I just wish I could express it in some kind of romantic novel. I'm just not sure if it will be good enough.

Cilla: Bad romances are nothing to be ashamed of, ask him to help you write it.

If you wish to honor GodCilla as we do, then come on down to Twisted Blind Date in The Bernard Shaw on Valentines day, 7:30pm, for as a wise woman once said: "Slam your body down now, zig-a-zig aah"

Chop Suey

2010-02-09T08:59:00.000-08:00

Kid Karate @ The Letter K, Bernard Shaw, 04/02/10. Full photo-set here.

Knockout

2010-02-02T08:17:00.000-08:00

This Thursday, 4th of Februrary, 8 - 12 @ The Bernard Shaw. Full details here.

Gimme That Back

2010-01-14T07:24:00.000-08:00

Swap As Soon As You Hear, as photographed by Kevin Breen.

Where's Me Jumper?

2010-01-12T10:21:00.000-08:00

[via Eimear]

Bath-Time

2010-01-05T10:04:00.000-08:00

Done. Done. And I'm On To The Next One.

2009-12-30T17:17:00.000-08:00

Instruction Manual for 'SWAP As Soon As You Hear!':

1. Come.

2. Dance to the funky, funky beat.

3. When the klaxon sounds, swap an item of clothing with the person nearest you.

4. Repeat steps 2 - 3 until you...

5. Come.

6. Exeunt.

Venue: The Den. The Twisted Pepper.

Dress code: Clothes you might never see again.

Choons: Of the bangin' variety, provided by C.U.N.T DJ Alan Taylor, Killian Coyle & Come As Soon As You Hear DJs.

€5 with flyer.

Confirm or deny?

13... Going on 30

2009-12-30T17:02:00.000-08:00

Shh... be still now, no more pain.

2009-12-17T07:28:00.000-08:00

Feat. robots in disguise.

Snap (followed by a sharp intake of breath)

2009-12-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

Things that remind me of Leah.

Fake Childhood

2009-12-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

I was crazy drunk at this. 3 day hangover. Shame shame shame.

Guerrellas in the Basement

2009-10-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

Woodblock

2009-10-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

Vampires are Gay.
The moon is a dick.
I hate your breasts.

Soundcheck Poster

2009-10-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

Plus, we be DJing at it, so come!

2009-10-10T17:26:00.000-07:00

"On a stool by the bar sits a girl with a scar and a broken heart. Sit with her awhile and hold her hand and see if you can help. Follow the trail, put the pieces together. A game, a treasure hunt of sorts. But it's a secret."

Pictchoors

2009-10-10T16:59:00.001-07:00

Passing The Parcel

2009-10-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

Photo's courtesy of The Miseducation Of

It's a quarter to midnight
and all through the club
they flocked from every crevice
of our fair city Dub

To gather and circle
and make a wide birth
for the parcel that symbolised
fair Gossip child's birth

Treats for all players

All creeds short or tall

but we cannot ignore

we know winner takes all

Then all of a sudden

as if magically

our thoughts were displayed

for all present to see

The clubbers befuddled
a confession?, a haunt?
but hey, it's my fucking party
and I'll cry if I want

President Cakes Illustration

2009-09-22T04:03:00.000-07:00

For a short story for Oh! Fringe.

Street Art Club.

2009-09-22T03:59:00.000-07:00

A review of this thing that we did.

Club day 1:

So, there are nineteen of us, we’re at the Bernard Shaw, we’ve pretty much all got a pint in front of us. But we’re not just there for pints, we’ve got some serious street art to do. Will starts us off with drawing dots in boxes (still not exactly sure where that fits in in the grand scheme of things), but before long we’re cutting and snipping and making. And drinking. We had to come up with a wicked cool street art name, but unfortunately I drew a blank and settled with “Ah yeah”. Credible, right? This one girl picked “Miley Cyrus” ironically, or perhaps tragically. We all make little collages on canvas and are then sent off to drop them off in various locations around town. On the back of each piece is a message asking the finder to keep the art and send the artist an email. My boss took my one home. It’s sitting on his desk now. The concept, in this case, slightly diluted.

Club day 2:

It’s a very sunny day. We’re out the back of the GBS again. We’ve all brought white T-shirts. We’ve all, once more, got pints. And this time, Will gives us free knives. A knife each. We’ve to cut stencils and make T-shirt prints. This time Will is aided by prolific street artist Sophie. One girl once again creates a Miley Cyrus themed piece, and we all edge away from her (and talk about her behind her back). Anyway, our new stencil cutting stills acquired, we all pose with our new, self-made T-shirts.

Club day 3:

The mission is to make paste-ups for the jacks. The theme? Mutant Super-heroes. A good theme, everyone agrees. The Miley Cyrus obsessed girl now creates a super villain called Hetrosexuality, who is a New York Jew who forces gay men to have sex with her. Fittingly, I created Super Gay Animal Orgy... Man, who enjoys the company of sharks, seals and turtles. In our toilet wall graffiti universe they are nemeses. Also, as an aside, the girl’s toilets in the Bernard Shaw are twice, if not thrice as beautiful as the men’s.

We’ve still got another workshop to go, before we get to graduate as rad cool street artists. I’m already working out the best way to sell out and go corporate. I think Absolut Ah Yeah has a nice ring to it. Ah yeah.

théátréCHUMBUNCH

2009-08-30T04:07:00.000-07:00

The Magic Bracelet

2009-08-30T03:34:00.000-07:00

2009-05-28T02:48:00.001-07:00

2009-03-04T08:43:00.000-08:00

Fake Valentine's Rrrave.

2009-02-23T03:42:00.000-08:00

It's 7am.
Underground Basement.
Multi-coloured fluorescent lights.
The bass is pumping.
Rack-pack on the decks.

Where am I?
Where were you?

Rewind 10 hours:

Saturday 21st of February. Nine PM.
The doors of the Basement open for business.
It's Fake Valentine's Day, hosted by Come As Soon As You Hear.
Stickers are everywhere. Everywhere.
First band Their First Fiasco are up. It's already jammers to the max.

In the corner above some inexplicable yellow, red, blue and green dots, there's an art instillation. "Shoulda put a ring on it" by Karl Watson. Oh, Beyonce, how we love you. Dotted around the venue, in nooks and crannies and on ceilings, little motivational phrases and sayings about love are hidden. Every here and there love poems adorn the wall.

Go through a tunnel. There's a coffee table full of free rub on tattoos. There's a film room showing Fake Lonely Hearts dating videos. There's the truly adorable "Tunnel of Lust". "Hold hands, Walk in, Lie down & enjoy the view" the instructions read. On the ceiling, the stars of the night sky are projected. It's special.

But wait there's more. In the back room there's a message board. Everyone is given a numbered sticker when they arrive and people are writing messages to each other. In the final corner some people are making hand made (Fake) Valentine's Cards. All is full of love.

Back in the main room, the second band are taking the stage. Over two hundred people have arrived. At half eleven a rousing version of Blind Date takes place, hosted by Rosh. The winning couple are forced to spend twenty minutes alone in the Tunnel of Lust. Ten years from now they'll be married and commuting from Maynooth.
The final band play. It's Kellie Marie and the Rest. They wear neon wigs, sunglasses and PVC pants. The crowd are at their mercy.

Many people are in costume. There's Doctor Love, there's the Queen of Hearts, there's Marilyn, there's a Virgin. There's lots, and lots, and lots of catface face paint. The bands finish, the DJs start. Killian's first, then the Rack Pack spin 'til about 8am. Carla and Zara masterfully weave the party tunage.

Things happen. People kiss, hold hands, kiss other people. French kiss. A Doctor Not Love appears. The UCD Badminton Club arrive. Jodie comes (hurray!). A contingent from DYT spread the love. Someone puts Never Ending Story on in the film room and Sarah Bradley covers sleepers in blankets, lest they catch cold.

We wake up, hours later. If it weren't for the smudgy dregs of cat whiskers on my face I would think it was all a dream.

It was too good to not be.

Facepainting

2009-02-11T15:51:00.000-08:00

me: let's talk dirty to each other

Zarla: OMG for fucks sake LOL LMFAO

me: I'm taking off your breasts

Zarla: em...I'm slowly unzipping ur penis

me: And revealing your soft tissuey muscles

Zarla: and letting the nerve tissue spill out

me: your delicious blood is a natural lubricant

and I'm wet all over
with blood
(yours)

Zarla: I put on beautiful face paint.

me: I'm wiping off your face paint

Zarla: JACK

me: with acid

Zarla: OH JACK
ACID
MMMM

me: your skeletal face bones
are revealed
you look pale and beautiful
like an angel
of death
I like your cheek
bone
I lick it
And nibble at the fleshy remainder hanging on to it

Zarla: oh lord

me: My penis enters you
r eye socket
Your brain squelches as my throbbing head hits off it
The noise would make me more erect
if that were possible

But instead,
I come.
I come as soon as I hear it.

2009-01-17T05:47:00.000-08:00

Wordle

2009-01-14T10:51:00.000-08:00

Come as soon as you hear!

Eggs

2009-01-12T03:13:00.000-08:00

Eggs for breakfast yum yum yum.

My top 5 bestworst films.

2009-01-11T06:04:00.000-08:00

[Five:] Disaster Movie

My tongue remembers the taste of vomit. My stomach turns. I'm remembering the part of my life I wasted watching Disaster Movie. It is, essentially, about 5 or 6 really awful fight signs tacked together by really random pop culture references. Plot? What plot? Also, don't let the name Disaster Movie fool you, Juno, Night at the Museum, Enchanted are some of the more prevalent 'spoofs'. Disaster Movies be they not.

The one fascinating element of the movie is how they've managed to take genuinely funny jokes from other media and strip them of all humour. Remember the cow in Earthworm Jim? That gag happens about 4 or 5 times. Remember Sarah Silverman's "Fucking Matt Damon"? That was funny right? Not in Disaster Movie.

I feel I've been way to rational about this film so far. It's shit. It's shockingly shit. Puzzlingly shit, you question how so many people allowed this film to be made. You question humanity.

Saving Grace: Matt Lanter is awfully easy on the eyes.

[Four:] Deathproof

This film is absolutely fine for about half an hour. Actually, for half an hour it's actually pretty awesome. And then... Argh.
Okay, so we're introduced to three - four girls in the beginning. A slutty latina, a sarcastic, bitchy black DJ, and a naive little white girl. There's some sort of bet about a lap dance involved in their night out, it's not important.
Anway, they end up at a bar where Stuntman Mike is eating Nachos. He has a car with a skull on it. This is scary. Slutty girl gives him a lapdance.
And then! He crashes into them in his car on purpose. His car is deathproof, so he is fine, the girls all die. Cool, end of movie.

Oh no. Three MORE girls are introduced, one of whom is Rosario Dawson attempting to kill her career, apparantly and Zoe. ZOE! If there is one factor on which you could blame all the problems with this film on it's the character of Zoe. I hate Zoe, passionatly, and I've never met her. But if I did...

It's just so confusing. Spend a good hour introducing three stereotypical horror flick characters, kill them and replace them with three more, less interesting girls. Whut?
Saving grace: Awesome tunage. Chick Habit by April March. Tuuuune.

[Three:] Cabin Fever
My hatred for Cabin Fever is masked only by my hatred for the director. Eli Roth can and should go fuck himself. On DVD, Cabin Fever is just disgustingly gorey and unremarkably shit. But then I checked out the extras and got to hear Roth smugly gushing about his shitty little film. If Cabin Fever had an anus, he'd have fucked it. He'd have fucked it to death.

He's like a giant retard who's been given access to the funds and means to make movies. Urgh. I'm losing coherance because I'm so full of rage. This guy says it better. Click.

[Two:] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
They raped him.

[One:] Jack Black is movie poison
STOP CASTING HIM, NOW.

A tinge of ginge.

2009-01-10T05:36:00.000-08:00

A rotch of crotch.

2009-01-08T16:40:00.000-08:00

Imagine if you woke up one day and you were Roisin Ingle. Not only that, but you had a looming deadline for an article on dinner parties or growing up in Sandymount.

What a horrible day that would be.

Horrible.

I'd post naked pictures of myself on t'internet and be hot slut of the day. Hah.

A shine of rainbows.

2008-11-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

I woke up today in an ordinary bed, draped in a ladies embrace. She was frail and grey like a slightly threatening cloud. She smiled a near toothless smile and rested her wigless head on my chest.

We spent her last day together, doing all the things that children do. Fed ducks in the park, rode the Ferris wheel, built a sandcastle.

I think she died happy. Whoever she was.

A crash of rhinos

2008-10-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

A clowder of cats.

2008-10-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

I woke up today in an abandoned apartment. I was in my underwear in the fetal position and surrounded by cats. Tabbies, Persians, American Longhairs, Longhaired Alpines, Lesser Spotted Cobra Cats.

But they were all dead.

When will this stop happening?